I Let Myself Laugh

The busyness of the season has amped up into full-on extreme, frantic, near-chaos. Part of the reason for this may be the fact that I’m saying ‘yes’ to a lot of things I might normally say ‘not this week’ to. The jury is still out on whether this is a positive development or not.

For example, I’ve been saying ‘sure!’ to a lot of offers for play dates, meeting out or having Twila’s friends over, and on the one hand this gives us lots more to do and therefore keeps us from getting all over each other’s cases all day long, but on the other hand it creates less space and time for cleaning, grocery shopping, the post-office, the bank, our annual Christmas CD, wrapping presents, returning overdue movies to the library and to Redbox, you know, all those thrilling things that normally fill our days. They’re not fun things but they are time-fillers and by adding even more events to our already full days, we are sprinkling in more joy and fun and entertainment, but we are also increasing the speed at which we have to accomplish all those other ‘have-to’s’.

So, the continuous message seems to be reinforced: life is about trade-offs. You don’t get something without losing something. Can that be true? It sounds so pessimistic. I want our life to be fun and interesting. I want to say ‘yes’ to riding the Santa train at the mall, meeting grandma out for lunch, taking Twila and Jada to the Eagle’s nest, hosting happy hours, baking cookies, painting canvasses and playing ‘blocks’ or ‘dance party.’ But with every activity I say yes to, I lose a little calm and gain a little stress.

With each new plan I make for me and Ryan or me and Twila, I have to sacrifice the ability to move slowly, to take our time, in some ways, to enjoy what we are doing. And whether it’s this year, or this season, or maybe just this week (because sometimes my myopic mood feels universal in its totality) there is an atmosphere of frenzy billowing around our lives. I feel it in the Target parking lot; I feel it when the phone rings; as the clock ticks, and I feel it as we drive in the car, going from here to there and back again. It’s hard to catch my breath as we shuttle this way and that.

I find myself breathing shallowly, eyes flicking all around, wondering if I’ve had enough coffee (too much?) or if this adrenaline rush is from knowing we are going to be late for something.

Where is that happy medium between planning events in advent for Christmas to cherish in memory, enjoy in the present, and packing in all the things that look like joyous Christmas events but wind up feeling like stress and obligation more than joy and fun?

I got it in my head the other day that we should get photos of Twila and Jada in their Christmas things in front of the tree. What a brilliant Christmas gift this would make for Grandmas and Grandpas and I came up with it in enough time to order the pictures! I was so proud of myself.

It was no small task to get the girls cleaned up and dressed in their Christmas finery, but it was a task I am used to. We took our time; we brushed Twila’s hair gently, slowly and thoroughly.

I set them in front of the Christmas tree with specific instructions that Twila should just keep looking at the camera and I would get Jada to smile when I could. Smiling has never been a problem for Jada. Sitting still when there is an exciting bit of machinery with buttons and flashing lights within her reach however…

We gave it our all, Twila and I. I snapped a gazillion pictures and with each shot I got snappier and snappier:

“Just sit still! Twila, you stay still! Look at the camera! I will worry about Jada!”

Thank goodness that at some point it struck me how silly this all was, trying to capture the joy of Christmas by shouting, sweating and getting frustrated with Twila who was being an angel and Jada who is far too smart to care about such trivialities as getting the perfect shot of them in Christmas clothes when there is something fascinating that must be explored.

As the attempts to photograph a moving baby reached the point of absurdity, I finally let myself laugh. What am I doing? Who am I? I wondered. And as I laughed, Twila let herself laugh with me. And it was the best we’d felt all day.